Thursday, June 27, 2013
why.............
The first time he hurt me I cried so hard I remember the sound of my heart breaking it was like a snap. He told me he was happy with someone else. All I could do was cry, hindsight should have just chalked it up to the game, his loss. Never been one to want to stay always was one to quickly walk away but he made me want to he made me feel perfect. A lot of things I would change go back in time rearrange but this isn't one of them. I have cried all day wondered what it took to make him see how bad it hurts. Realization hit there is nothing I can do nothing I can say the pain is mine. I can't give it away i can't not be heart broken. After all this time still hurts to hear he doesn't know me. Why wouldn't you know my favorite flower the best way to cheer me up? Have you not paid attention? Did it even matter to you? You got your prize, but you put her up on that shelf with out realizing who/what she was. Even the happiest of people have bad days weeks months. I think his favorite expression to me is "give it to God, why are you worrying" but then he turns around and worries. Although I am tough on the outside I am broken hearted on the inside. I smile and laugh and joke everyday with people, they never see past that facade. Was it so wrong of me to think the person I share every detail of my life with, the person who i give my all to should see past it? Had a friend tell me today I push people away and they were right I do, I don't try to but I do. I am pushing him away I see it but I am not stopping it. I wish just once he could know the hurt and pain he causes. I get angry because it is my reaction to being hurt. I don't have a vast form of emotions there is happy angry and sad. Today I should be happy but to be honest I am not anything I was sad but now I am numb. Every step of the way I haven't had but what God has blessed me with, I work hard I don't depend on anyone and to be honest is my biggest downfall. The things he fell in love with me for are the things he hates now, funny how that works. Guess I should be getting off here and finding a place to stay job and vehicle. Cause Lord knows I can't handle this anymore to much pain arguing I won't put myself through the final outcome of this. Happy birthday Sarah!!!! Hopefully next time I write I will be in a better place ~Sarah~
how I feel...
I want to start by saying this has been a long time coming but honestly I give up. I try to make everyone happy just got informed apparently I have had an attitude and attack people all day. Well lets see I get woke up at the butt crack of dawn to some whiny voice that sounds like a child and is a grown man and then i am supposed to be nice and all full of daisies and mother fucking sunshine. My bad I didn't know this I am sorry I will work on it, pfft. I don't like writing when I am angry but tonight is a special treat. My so called friends go behind my back to ask my fiance what is with my attitude??? Why are you asking him your my mother fucking friend you don't feel comfortable talking/texting/emailing/fb me but cool go talk to him. He doesn't get it nobody really does, i heard it put like this once, we live in a world where everyone wants to be noticed famous but nobody really is. I just want someone to notice I am alive. HELLO WORLD I EXIST!!! Say what you want but really no body notices others they might for a minute but that is about it. I wanted to find someone who really cares but that is impossible pipe dream, people only care about themselves or what you can do for them. I have a great adoptive family that actually has never used me as far as I know of, shouldn't I be used to this by now? My attitude is solely dependent on others if they are nice I am nice. Attitude fuck you i have an attitude because I am a mom I don't need to date a child. Guess I am going to sum this up make it short and sweet, tomorrow I will be 31 happy birthday to me. As I make my wish and blow out the candles one last time I will believe wishes really do come true and life really isn't that bad. Reality is that I see something I want so close yet so far away and my attitude is directed by you. Maybe just maybe instead of asking what is wrong really look at me see past all the bull shit to me who I really am, or risk never seeing me and losing me for good. Goodnight until next time ~Sarah~
Monday, June 24, 2013
Catching up moving on and dealing with day to day crap.....................
Well I haven't blogged in about forever maybe I need to get back into it and really put some effort into it so here is a blog to catch up since March (my last blog) so I would like to recap April May and most of June.
So here goes;
April;
Brought Easter all my kids were with me and life was good!! Nothing spectacular that I can recall happened. Sorry to be a bit boring but you know it happens lol
May;
Well lets see started off fairly normal my baby girl started her pre school experience and loved it. I am a little bitter sweet at this point she is my baby my last child and that I know these years go by so quickly and I am scared I am going to miss them.
Towards the end of May I had a court date to divorce my dbag of a husband, now keep in mind I have EVERY right to call him that. While we were married he hit me he tried to rape me and he cheated on me. So I decided about 2 years ago that I wanted a divorce..............it's been a LONG two years!! His parents asked shortly after our separation if lil bit could come visit. My thought process who am I to keep her from her family? Of course she can!!! Little did I know that they would try and keep her practically kidnap her and overall just be mean lying manipulative people. I had to get the cops involved on that one. December of last year he asked if he could have her for Christmas I said sure, again this is her Dad he hasn't seen her in years (due to military issues not b/c he doesn't want to of course) we agreed Dec 22nd to Jan 15th. On January 3rd I receive notification he has petitioned the court to strip me of my rights. Why you ask? because according to him I am a bad mother he has no proff of this and he himself hasn't been an active parent in her life for 2 years. So we go to court I pay $2500 for an attorney where he lives just so the judge could throw it out, I turn around and pay $2500 for an attorney in the state I live to go after him for taking my daughter on Feburary 19th I got her back Judge awarded me sole custody until the hearing for the divorce. Which was supposed to be March 13, but no he had to cancel on that making me wait to May 20. Whew sorry about the long explanation but it all leads up to this lol We get in the court he wants to settle my attorney suggest we all go sit down and talk about it. He is bitching and crying that he will have to move to the barracks and won't see lil bit and blah blah blah. So me being the nice person I am (yes I realize I am overly nice at times) offer to wait to handle the divorce issue so he can see his child and she can have a place to stay while she is with him. So we settled on he pays me child support and intermittent alimony and he gets her for 60 days in the summer. Well his days start June 1 to August 1 seeing how it was 10 days away and he had driven a long way to come to court I offered for her to be able to be picked up that afternoon. I know I know I don't need to be so nice but in all honesty I want her to have a relationship with her dad and need to stop. Anyway so he says oh I can't do that I can't take her now I am not prepared for her (even though I asked him at the beginning of May and he said yes) So I was like ok see you in 10 days. Later on he calls and ask if lil bit can go to her Grandparents for a few weeks until he gets things ready there. Sure no problem so off she goes to her Grandparents. I will say its against my better judgement but it is his time with her.
June
The beginning of June I put in my two week notice for my job I had worked for the last 3 years, it was crazy and most people thought I was nuts, but in all honesty God told me to do it so I obeyed. I am going to side story again just so y'all know what and why I am so excited. Five years ago I enlisted in the Army I was all set to ship out, then I found out I was pregnant that was devastating to me for years I have talked to recruiters tried on my own to join. A few weeks ago as I was praying for something any light to be shined on the path God wants me to take, he nudged me and said try enlisting I was like no way God they already shut that door. Again he nudged me and nudged me and screamed it at me. So I called a recruiter and I am claiming to be in basic by October of this year!! God is so good!!
On the family side I have my son, daughter and step son (who from here on out will be known as my son) here with us for the summer my oldest son, Big T and my oldest daughter, Lil A wants to stay with me for good this makes my heart leap at just the thought :) Lil bit is with her Grandparents still and with no sign of seeing her Dad for longer than the 10 minutes he saw her before he left. I have given up being nice and spoken to my attorney about our next option. I am no longer going to feel sorry for him and bend over backwards for someone who could care less to see his child!!
On relationships I am with Adam who is a great guy and all around amazing person. He makes me happy and as soon as all this BS with my soon to be ex is over with, well we will be married. I am claiming August 5th I don't know why but that is the date that keeps coming back to me!!
In the friendship department, I am blessed to call some of the most amazing people I have ever met friends!! The only thing I ask is that each and everyone of you lift up my friends that will soon be going overseas, I love these guys like brothers, sons and the best of friends. Please continue to remember them in your thoughts and prayers.
So my friends fellow bloggers and readers until the next time I blog (which I hope will be soon) God bless and keep you safe :)~deuces~Sarah
So here goes;
April;
Brought Easter all my kids were with me and life was good!! Nothing spectacular that I can recall happened. Sorry to be a bit boring but you know it happens lol
May;
Well lets see started off fairly normal my baby girl started her pre school experience and loved it. I am a little bitter sweet at this point she is my baby my last child and that I know these years go by so quickly and I am scared I am going to miss them.
Towards the end of May I had a court date to divorce my dbag of a husband, now keep in mind I have EVERY right to call him that. While we were married he hit me he tried to rape me and he cheated on me. So I decided about 2 years ago that I wanted a divorce..............it's been a LONG two years!! His parents asked shortly after our separation if lil bit could come visit. My thought process who am I to keep her from her family? Of course she can!!! Little did I know that they would try and keep her practically kidnap her and overall just be mean lying manipulative people. I had to get the cops involved on that one. December of last year he asked if he could have her for Christmas I said sure, again this is her Dad he hasn't seen her in years (due to military issues not b/c he doesn't want to of course) we agreed Dec 22nd to Jan 15th. On January 3rd I receive notification he has petitioned the court to strip me of my rights. Why you ask? because according to him I am a bad mother he has no proff of this and he himself hasn't been an active parent in her life for 2 years. So we go to court I pay $2500 for an attorney where he lives just so the judge could throw it out, I turn around and pay $2500 for an attorney in the state I live to go after him for taking my daughter on Feburary 19th I got her back Judge awarded me sole custody until the hearing for the divorce. Which was supposed to be March 13, but no he had to cancel on that making me wait to May 20. Whew sorry about the long explanation but it all leads up to this lol We get in the court he wants to settle my attorney suggest we all go sit down and talk about it. He is bitching and crying that he will have to move to the barracks and won't see lil bit and blah blah blah. So me being the nice person I am (yes I realize I am overly nice at times) offer to wait to handle the divorce issue so he can see his child and she can have a place to stay while she is with him. So we settled on he pays me child support and intermittent alimony and he gets her for 60 days in the summer. Well his days start June 1 to August 1 seeing how it was 10 days away and he had driven a long way to come to court I offered for her to be able to be picked up that afternoon. I know I know I don't need to be so nice but in all honesty I want her to have a relationship with her dad and need to stop. Anyway so he says oh I can't do that I can't take her now I am not prepared for her (even though I asked him at the beginning of May and he said yes) So I was like ok see you in 10 days. Later on he calls and ask if lil bit can go to her Grandparents for a few weeks until he gets things ready there. Sure no problem so off she goes to her Grandparents. I will say its against my better judgement but it is his time with her.
June
The beginning of June I put in my two week notice for my job I had worked for the last 3 years, it was crazy and most people thought I was nuts, but in all honesty God told me to do it so I obeyed. I am going to side story again just so y'all know what and why I am so excited. Five years ago I enlisted in the Army I was all set to ship out, then I found out I was pregnant that was devastating to me for years I have talked to recruiters tried on my own to join. A few weeks ago as I was praying for something any light to be shined on the path God wants me to take, he nudged me and said try enlisting I was like no way God they already shut that door. Again he nudged me and nudged me and screamed it at me. So I called a recruiter and I am claiming to be in basic by October of this year!! God is so good!!
On the family side I have my son, daughter and step son (who from here on out will be known as my son) here with us for the summer my oldest son, Big T and my oldest daughter, Lil A wants to stay with me for good this makes my heart leap at just the thought :) Lil bit is with her Grandparents still and with no sign of seeing her Dad for longer than the 10 minutes he saw her before he left. I have given up being nice and spoken to my attorney about our next option. I am no longer going to feel sorry for him and bend over backwards for someone who could care less to see his child!!
On relationships I am with Adam who is a great guy and all around amazing person. He makes me happy and as soon as all this BS with my soon to be ex is over with, well we will be married. I am claiming August 5th I don't know why but that is the date that keeps coming back to me!!
In the friendship department, I am blessed to call some of the most amazing people I have ever met friends!! The only thing I ask is that each and everyone of you lift up my friends that will soon be going overseas, I love these guys like brothers, sons and the best of friends. Please continue to remember them in your thoughts and prayers.
So my friends fellow bloggers and readers until the next time I blog (which I hope will be soon) God bless and keep you safe :)~deuces~Sarah
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