why.............

The first time he hurt me I cried so hard I remember the sound of my heart breaking it was like a snap. He told me he was happy with someone else. All I could do was cry, hindsight should have just chalked it up to the game, his loss. Never been one to want to stay always was one to quickly walk away but he made me want to he made me feel perfect. A lot of things I would change go back in time rearrange but this isn't one of them. I have cried all day wondered what it took to make him see how bad it hurts. Realization hit there is nothing I can do nothing I can say the pain is mine. I can't give it away i can't not be heart broken. After all this time still hurts to hear he doesn't know me. Why wouldn't you know my favorite flower the best way to cheer me up? Have you not paid attention? Did it even matter to you? You got your prize, but you put her up on that shelf with out realizing who/what she was. Even the happiest of people have bad days weeks months. I think his favorite expression to me is "give it to God, why are you worrying" but then he turns around and worries. Although I am tough on the outside I am broken hearted on the inside. I smile and laugh and joke everyday with people, they never see past that facade. Was it so wrong of me to think the person I share every detail of my life with, the person who i give my all to should see past it? Had a friend tell me today I push people away and they were right I do, I don't try to but I do. I am pushing him away I see it but I am not stopping it. I wish just once he could know the hurt and pain he causes. I get angry because it is my reaction to being hurt. I don't have a vast form of emotions there is happy angry and sad. Today I should be happy but to be honest I am not anything I was sad but now I am numb. Every step of the way I haven't had but what God has blessed me with, I work hard I don't depend on anyone and to be honest is my biggest downfall. The things he fell in love with me for are the things he hates now, funny how that works. Guess I should be getting off here and finding a place to stay job and vehicle. Cause Lord knows I can't handle this anymore to much pain arguing I won't put myself through the final outcome of this. Happy birthday Sarah!!!! Hopefully next time I write I will be in a better place ~Sarah~