Evolving

Its funny how life can change on a dime, I have heard this expression all my life. I have seen it happen to my friends, loved ones, co-workers, and so on. For me life has always changed slowly, evolving over time and changing at a snail’s pace. Although I can’t say that I am complaining I tend to like it this way. Nothing thrown on me all at once things just gradually fade out or in depending on the circumstance. One thing that has always been constant is my belief in God from a young age I accepted God, he exist, he is real I don’t have to see him to know him. This morning my lil bit caught me off guard she said “I don’t hear God” I wanted to have some wise response you know to tell her to show her. I thought about it for a moment and simply said “He talks to us in those still quiet moments” she looked at me seemed to be satisfied but I don’t know if I told her the right thing. I often worry that I will say the wrong thing and completely mess up!! I know this is common, but as I see my children grow not only physically but mentally and spiritually I find myself growing as well. Again slowly changing evolving into the person God wants me to be. I often ask God why it is taking so long. I was contemplating this, this morning and God gave me a resounding answer “If you want this to hurry up you have to face big difficulties” I am not ready for that I think that God knows I can’t handle big difficulties yet! I have friends that are suffering in their life, with addiction, illness, family problems, and much more. I see them relying on everything from God to new age medicine, I look at them and think if my God is so powerful to cover my EVERY need why are they suffering? Then I look at the ones who are relying one hundred percent on God and see they are happy, content with the little miracles that seem to come their way. They seem to let life just roll right on by with all their sorrow and pain I know they have to be facing they will smile. When you ask how they are holding up, they will simply state they are doing great tell you about the small miracle that is holding them until God delivers them. Then I look at my friends who don’t seem to be rooted in their beliefs and see the pain and sorrow written on their face the heartbreak that they go through when today was more than they could stand. Often in times like these I am reminded of an old dear friend of mine Mr. Thane Sandel, he was diagnosed with cancer and went through treatments and remission, it came back and he fought it again it eventually took his life, but I will never forget how HAPPY he was how at peace he was. One could literally see this absolute glow about him. At my young age I didn’t fully comprehend the gravity of the situation, but I fully comprehended his joy. Unfortunately he will never know the impact he had on my life, but it was a strong one nearly 12 years after his death I still remember his joy his conviction his unwavering faith that God would bring him through it. I saw something in him I wanted looking back that might have been God saying hey you can have that too. Slowly but surely I am relying more and more on my God, my faith, my beliefs. I am changing, evolving becoming closer and closer to that unwavering faith. Sometimes God shows me in small things how much I have changed or how much I still need to change. It won’t happen overnight it will happen though. That is one thing I am sure of I will have the faith of a mustard seed I will be able to move mountains overcome obstacles in my path, and carry on with his word tucked safely in my heart.

why.............

The first time he hurt me I cried so hard I remember the sound of my heart breaking it was like a snap. He told me he was happy with someone else. All I could do was cry, hindsight should have just chalked it up to the game, his loss. Never been one to want to stay always was one to quickly walk away but he made me want to he made me feel perfect. A lot of things I would change go back in time rearrange but this isn't one of them. I have cried all day wondered what it took to make him see how bad it hurts. Realization hit there is nothing I can do nothing I can say the pain is mine. I can't give it away i can't not be heart broken. After all this time still hurts to hear he doesn't know me. Why wouldn't you know my favorite flower the best way to cheer me up? Have you not paid attention? Did it even matter to you? You got your prize, but you put her up on that shelf with out realizing who/what she was. Even the happiest of people have bad days weeks months. I think his favorite expression to me is "give it to God, why are you worrying" but then he turns around and worries. Although I am tough on the outside I am broken hearted on the inside. I smile and laugh and joke everyday with people, they never see past that facade. Was it so wrong of me to think the person I share every detail of my life with, the person who i give my all to should see past it? Had a friend tell me today I push people away and they were right I do, I don't try to but I do. I am pushing him away I see it but I am not stopping it. I wish just once he could know the hurt and pain he causes. I get angry because it is my reaction to being hurt. I don't have a vast form of emotions there is happy angry and sad. Today I should be happy but to be honest I am not anything I was sad but now I am numb. Every step of the way I haven't had but what God has blessed me with, I work hard I don't depend on anyone and to be honest is my biggest downfall. The things he fell in love with me for are the things he hates now, funny how that works. Guess I should be getting off here and finding a place to stay job and vehicle. Cause Lord knows I can't handle this anymore to much pain arguing I won't put myself through the final outcome of this. Happy birthday Sarah!!!! Hopefully next time I write I will be in a better place ~Sarah~

how I feel...

I want to start by saying this has been a long time coming but honestly I give up. I try to make everyone happy just got informed apparently I have had an attitude and attack people all day. Well lets see I get woke up at the butt crack of dawn to some whiny voice that sounds like a child and is a grown man and then i am supposed to be nice and all full of daisies and mother fucking sunshine. My bad I didn't know this I am sorry I will work on it, pfft. I don't like writing when I am angry but tonight is a special treat. My so called friends go behind my back to ask my fiance what is with my attitude??? Why are you asking him your my mother fucking friend you don't feel comfortable talking/texting/emailing/fb me but cool go talk to him.  He doesn't get it nobody really does, i heard it put like this once, we live in a world where everyone wants to be noticed famous but nobody really is. I just want someone to notice I am alive. HELLO WORLD I EXIST!!! Say what you want but really no body notices others they might for a minute but that is about it. I wanted to find someone who really cares but that is impossible pipe dream, people only care about themselves or what you can do for them. I have a great adoptive family that actually has never used me as far as I know of, shouldn't I be used to this by now? My attitude is solely dependent on others if they are nice I am nice. Attitude fuck you i have an attitude because I am a mom I don't need to date a child. Guess I am going to sum this up make it short and sweet, tomorrow I will be 31 happy birthday to me. As I make my wish and blow out the candles one last time I will believe wishes really do come true and life really isn't that bad. Reality is that I see something I want so close yet so far away and my attitude is directed by you. Maybe just maybe instead of asking what is wrong really look at me see past all the bull shit to me who I really am, or risk never seeing me and losing me for good. Goodnight until next time ~Sarah~

Catching up moving on and dealing with day to day crap.....................

Well I haven't blogged in about forever maybe I need to get back into it and really put some effort into it so here is a blog to catch up since March (my last blog) so I would like to recap April May and most of June.
So here goes;
April;
Brought Easter all my kids were with me and life was good!! Nothing spectacular that I can recall happened. Sorry to be a bit boring but you know it happens lol

May;
Well lets see started off fairly normal my baby girl started her pre school experience and loved it. I am a little bitter sweet at this point she is my baby my last child and that I know these years go by so quickly and I am scared I am going to miss them. 
Towards the end of May I had a court date to divorce my dbag of a husband, now keep in mind I have EVERY right to call him that. While we were married he hit me he tried to rape me and he cheated on me. So I decided about 2 years ago that I wanted a divorce..............it's been a LONG two years!! His parents asked shortly after our separation if lil bit could come visit. My thought process who am I to keep her from her family? Of course she can!!! Little did I know that they would try and keep her practically kidnap her and overall just be mean lying manipulative people. I had to get the cops involved on that one. December of last year he asked if he could have her for Christmas I said sure, again this is her Dad he hasn't seen her in  years (due to military issues not b/c he doesn't want to of course) we agreed Dec 22nd to Jan 15th. On January 3rd I receive notification he has petitioned the court to strip me of my rights. Why you ask? because according to him I am a bad mother he has no proff of this and he himself hasn't been an active parent in her life for 2 years. So we go to court I pay $2500 for an attorney where he lives just so the judge could throw it out, I turn around and pay $2500 for an attorney in the state I live to go after him for taking my daughter on Feburary 19th I got her back Judge awarded me sole custody until the hearing for the divorce. Which was supposed to be March 13, but no he had to cancel on that making me wait to May 20. Whew sorry about the long explanation but it all leads up to this lol We get in the court he wants to settle my attorney suggest we all go sit down and talk about it. He is bitching and crying that he will have to move to the barracks and won't see lil bit and blah blah blah. So me being the nice person I am (yes I realize I am overly nice at times) offer to wait to handle the divorce issue so he can see his child and she can have a place to stay while she is with him. So we settled on he pays me child support and intermittent alimony and he gets her for 60 days in the summer. Well his days start June 1 to August 1 seeing how it was 10 days away and he had driven a long way to come to court I offered for her to be able to be picked up that afternoon. I know I know I don't need to be so nice but in all honesty I want her to have a relationship with her dad and need to stop. Anyway so he says oh I can't do that I can't take her now I am not prepared for her (even though I asked him at the beginning of May and he said yes) So I was like ok see you in 10 days. Later on he calls and ask if lil bit can go to her Grandparents for a few weeks until he gets things ready there. Sure no problem so off she goes to her Grandparents. I will say its against my better judgement but it is his time with her. 
June
The beginning of June I put in my two week notice for my job I had worked for the last 3 years, it was crazy and most people thought I was nuts, but in all honesty God told me to do it so I obeyed. I am going to side story again just so y'all know what and why I am so excited. Five years ago I enlisted in the Army I was all set to ship out, then I found out I was pregnant that was devastating to me for years I have talked to recruiters tried on my own to join. A few weeks ago as I was praying for something any light to be shined on the path God wants me to take, he nudged me and said try enlisting I was like no way God they already shut that door. Again he nudged me and nudged me and screamed it at me. So I called a recruiter and I am claiming to be in basic by October of this year!! God is so good!! 
On the family side I have my son, daughter and step son (who from here on out will be known as my son) here with us for the summer my oldest son, Big T and my oldest daughter, Lil A wants to stay with me for good this makes my heart leap at just the thought :) Lil bit is with her Grandparents still and with no sign of seeing her Dad for longer than the 10 minutes he saw her before he left. I have given up being nice and spoken to my attorney about our next option. I am no longer going to feel sorry for him and bend over backwards for someone who could care less to see his child!! 
On relationships I am with Adam who is a great guy and all around amazing person. He makes me happy and as soon as all this BS with my soon to be ex is over with, well we will be married. I am claiming August 5th I don't know why but that is the date that keeps coming back to me!!
In the friendship department, I am blessed to call some of the most amazing people I have ever met friends!! The only thing I ask is that each and everyone of you lift up my friends that will soon be going overseas, I love these guys like brothers, sons and the best of friends. Please continue to remember them in your thoughts and prayers. 

 So my friends fellow bloggers and readers until the next time I blog (which I hope will be soon) God bless and keep you safe :)~deuces~Sarah

Today ain't my day

guess today might not be my day some people just don't get it.................guess they will eventually tired of feeling like this either I am mad at you or you have hurt my feelings stop asking me what is wrong or sulking around like I did something. You create your own destiny I have no decision in it. I am tired of having people take the air out of mine while I desperately try to help them. Maybe I am being selfish and that is probably not the outlook I should have but I am done with putting me on the back burner so everyone around me feels good. Tired of drowning because I am to busy pushing others up, tired of always doing the right thing to make someone happy and them just blatantly not caring, or worse to have them shove it in my face. Maybe I am just tired I feel abandoned alone and neglected. Guess this is how satan is going to take it all away, I am praying and fighting but to be honest I don't know why anymore. To be told I am not doing something right or not to the standards that would be preferred  Thanks for making me feel more like a failure then I already do thanks for pointing out all the places I need to improve on. It's sad when I get more approval at work, a place that by all means has hated me for two years. Maybe I am just in a weird twilight zone, where my manager likes me and everyone at home makes me feel like shit. Maybe my day just started off wrong, had different plans/hopes guess those got changed and it made me feel very inferior, unwanted, used, and just hurt. I know these plans were not written in stone but seriously does it have to hurt this bad? Gonna continue to hurt today as my daughter goes back, to her other mom ya that is what she calls her mom. four years later and that one still hurts pretty bad most days I just deal with it today I guess it just tops the cake. Guess I could wrap this sob fest up and put on my big girl panties and carry on. Can't wait till Monday I am going to talk to someone and my whole life could change :) until then ~always~Sarah~

I have decided to do a bible study :)

Name of study: Calm My Anxious Heart
 by Linda Dillow
Length 12 weeks
Purpose: To learn how to be content in any and all circumstances.
So over the next 12 weeks I will be posting about this bible study  (they will be listed as Anxious heart Week ____) and how it is changing my life effecting me and my way of thinking. My fondest hope is that God's light shines thru me on to others and that they know it is not me but God using me to be a blessing to others.

much love
your sister in Christ
Sarah

EXAUSTED AND FRUSTRATED

Normally I can handle day to day blah blah blah's but today I am tired I feel neglected, used, and like I am just a big disappointment to everyone around. Now part of me knows it is fatigue, I am tired and in desperate need of sleep but to be honest I want to crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep. Every time I turn around I hear I need from someone, not being my children, If you are grown you don't need you want. Lately it just feels like there is a lot of me giving and them taking and me not getting what I need. I NEED sleep instead I get a guilt trip on how I have company and I am being rude. Even though the company is one of my best friends who knows me and knows how tired I am. I am absolutely sick of all the bull shit associated with money, amazing how everyone needs money when I have it, but God forbid I spend MY money on anything I want/need. I feel like I am just being pushed down and then told hey don't be depressed because that bothers me!! Really well what bothers me is not having a job having to depend on someone else THAT FUCKING BOTHERS ME!!! But by all means let me put my menial emotions and thoughts aside and concentrate on YOU!! So now that I have that off my chest I am going to sleep maybe tomorrow I can get a few of my needs met. I hope everyone has a great night!!!