I just don't know anymore

Spent the better part of the last 24 hours driving from Tampa, Fl to Louisiana, the main reason I came out here was for my son so I could get custody of him, I did have a secondary reason. To be with Adam, I arrived about 10 am and Adam was at work, I took a bath and went to bed. At lunch time he came home and surprised me I was so happy to see him. After talking to him for a few minutes I had discovered he lied to me, not an omission that never happened but a look me in the face bold lie. I am sitting here hurt tired and confused. How can a man that claims he loves someone like no other look that person in the eye and lie to them? I keep feeling like some how I deserve this, I know that I have done stuff in my past that I deserve to be treated like shit for. There will be people who will read this who will say no that's not right but I know the truth, I know my past, I know my mistakes. I paused while writing this, I started on Wednesday, now on Sunday  I have made the decision to stay and work this out, to me its worth fighting for, at least I know that I am keeping my promise, I will fight to keep what I love. As for anyone out there thinking I am an idiot, you are probably right, but I am going to try and work past my own trust issues. If it ends up bad then I have no one to blame but myself.

Dreams

I sit here at 2 am and wonder if sleep will ever find me my mind doesn't seem to want to shut off tonight. I have been watching Christmas movies you know the kid with out a parent wishes for one the heart string pulling one. I know why I can't sleep OK to be honest it isn't a problem with my mind shutting off its the dreams. If I could just stop dreaming it would finally be peaceful. It wouldn't be considered night mares because they actually happened, it wouldn't even be considered scary but painful heart wrenching yes. When I was two my parents decided to leave my three siblings and I on the side of the road, a lot of people have told me there is no way I could remember that but I do. There is a lot of my child hood that I have blocked out but as I get older and I deal with my own children I remember some of the more painful things especially in my dreams. I wake up remembering the pain and hurt I felt as a little girl and to be honest the pain is the same. I know lately I have been depressed and I feel bad because I can't talk about it, nor do I want to. When I was seven I sat on Santa's lap and told him all I wanted for Christmas was a Mom and Dad (Mr. Thane always did Santa) I can remember him telling me that just because my grandparents were not the traditional Mom and Dad it did not mean they were not just as good as my Mom and Dad. I have a thousand memories like this sometimes the dreams remind me of them and sometimes its life itself. I have been thinking lately I made a promise to my son before he was born that I would always be there for him and I would give my all to him. Looking back over the last eleven years I haven't been the greatest of Moms, I have been selfish and thought of myself before my children. I have been impatient and honary I have not shown them what unconditional love of a mother is. I lay awake at two am with all of this on my mind and praying that for once I don't have nightmares that for once I have a good dream one where my kids and me are happy. Where they are home with me where they belong where I can try and make up for my past mistakes and show them that I have changed I am a better person. Well I hope everyone has a great night/day God bless.

here is the catch up

Ok so i got busy the last month and didn't really blog but I am going to recap.  since my last real blog was in august i have a lot to go over lol Well in September we went to New Orleans Mary me and her gf Andrea, (whom personally i think she can do better but w/e i support her) Anyways we had a blast we went to bourbon street and drank my ass off uk the usual and actually went out of my way to meet some cool people lol and yes i did show my tits, i mean hello it was bourbon street!! Ok we saw some pretty cool stuff like the WWII museum, which by the way if you have never been i would definitely say GO it was amazing, one of the best museums that i have been too!! My sincerest heartfelt compassion goes into this museum, it was breath taking awe inspiring, to remember what we have came from, not only as a country but as a human race!! We stayed at a b&b called St. Vincent house and it was amazing the employees there really made the trip fun they were witty and informative. All and all it was a great trip!!

Spoke with my Attorney

Well we had our meeting, it didn't go as I hoped but still making progress. They offered a settlement of 10k which even the adjuster told my attorney was low. He is going to counter with 15 to 16K hopefully have an agreement today or tomorrow. Which hopefully means I get paid before Christmas and I can get on a flight to surprise him!! Well regardless it is God's will not my own and everything happens for a reason even if I don't know what that reason is!! I just want to get home or at least have a date to get home!! I will try and write more later on but for now it's goodnight and God bless :)

Phone call this morning :)

So I am super excited, nervous and scared!! I  returned the phone call to my attorney, he is setting up a settelment meeting today at 330 cst and I am so nervous!! I am hoping to give Adam a special Christmas gift of me being there :) I will keep you all informed I am just super excited!!

never knew things were this bad

It is said that the smartest thing Satan ever did was convince the world he didn't exist. I feel that way now like I don't know how to get back to God. I feel so lost and alone. Seven years ago I was a Sunday school teacher I knew I was working for God, I felt him in every area of my life. Now I feel him almost no where and as hard as I try I feel like I am messing up at every turn I don't want to be like this!!! I want to be the perfectly happy person I once was. My son Thaddeus stays with his Dad, just called me and wants to live with me, with some very unusual requirements. One I can only go out once a month, two I have to help him with his homework, three I have to put him first, and four we have to go to church at least once a week. When did my elven year old become a better person then me? Am I not the one who is supposed to show him wrong from right? Am I not the one supposed to be a good example for him? I feel like a complete failure, not only as a parent but as a person. I hope my kids can look back on the last three years and forgive me. People will look at this and say you have done the best you can. In all honesty I haven't, I have been a horrible mom, and it took him telling me this for me to realize. I can't go on treating my kids like this, I have to be a better Mom, he made me promise and I want to be able to live up to his hopes of me. So I pack up move back home I give my son the Mom he deserves because it sure as hell hasn't been the Mom he has had!! Anyone who reads this I am asking that you pray for me, His father and step-mother, his siblings, but above all pray for Thaddeus. he will be an amazing man no thanks to any of us, he has the conviction and bravery of any adult I have ever met. I am proud to be his Mother I hope that one day he will look at me and say I am proud to be her son. The bible says that ".....her children will raise up and call her blessed" (not sure where) that hasn't been me I am going to make a change starting today this moment to be the very best mom I can be. I may not be perfect but I will give it one hundred and ten percent to be as perfect as I can be. If that means losing some people along the way or stepping into unknown ground the so be it. I hope that everyone has a blessed day. 

Saturday Dec 8th 2012

Well I woke up around noon, earlier then the last few days. I received a voice mail yesterday from my attorney. I am excited that my long law suit will soon be over. Normally I would not even suggest law suit but I was involved in a really bad wreck, one that injured my back legs hips arms and feels like every important thing on my body and the insurance company didn't want to give me anything. I felt that was their job was to give me money for my injuries, I mean why else would we be required to have insurance on our car? Now am I saying that I don't have medical, no. I am lucky enough to have medical insurance as well as a really good support system. But there are days when I can't get out of bed because my hips and back and legs hurt to bad. There are days where I cry because I cant so much as move with out the pain getting to me. On my good days I can do just about anything a healthy person can do. Do I want a million dollars no, I want to be reimbursed for my pain and suffering, for the fact there are days that I can't pick up my daughter or play with my son. Anyways I am not going into to much detail about it. Back to what I was blogging about today I have to wait until Monday to see any results either way. So I woke up to two messages from Adam telling me to wake up lol and as soon as I text him back he skyped me. We have been on skype ever since! I miss him so much right now I am watching him sleep, I know that sounds creepy but that is what we do every night we go to sleep to each other. Most of the time we wake up to each other too. Which helps with the missing him, but it is not the same. I can't wait to be in his arms again, for good next time. Which leads me to my next topic. When I get the settlement from the accident I am going to use it to move back to La and to go to school. I am going to get my son and daughter back and we are getting his son as well. I know there will be a lot of aggravation and a lot of love. I think the closer I get to God the closer I get to peace. Which will help me a lot going to school working full time and raising four kids I might be blogging a lot more lol who knows. What I do know is that I finally found someone that I would fight all of hell to hold his hand. Yes I might get frustrated with him, yes I might get upset with him, yes I might be completely angry with him at times, but I will learn patience and kindness I will learn what it is to truly love someone. He has flaws he is not perfect, but it is time I start taking my own advice. Can I live with his flaws? Does he posses flaws that are not acceptable? I would have to answer with no he doesn't and yes I can live with the flaws he posses. I sit here 834 miles away from him and look at him and am filled with love. I ask God to bring me a man that I could love for the rest of my life, one that I can give my all to. I went thru a lot of men, I know that sounds bad but it is true. I dated a lot of different men, they all had one bad trait, breathing. lol just kidding. With every guy I dated that didn't work out they showed me what I wanted in a man. Adam posses most of those traits that I want in a man, is he perfect no but am I looking for perfection, no. That is impossible to find I want someone who sees me for all my imperfections and loves me anyway, and trust when I say he does!!! Well I am going to wrap this up for the night. Best of luck to all, good night and here is to having an amazing day tomorrow  :) 

Today

I woke up around 10 with a phone call from my son's grandma.  That was interesting seeing how all I heard about was how my son was not behaving for his dad. Not that it was all bad just wish his dad would see him for the amazing kid that I see him to be. Went back to sleep woke up around four with a headache from hell. Haven't really done anything, I took lil bit to the park but she wanted to go the pool so we came back and I skyped with Adam. Looking back I should have just went back to sleep would have been better then what is running thru my head now. While I was visiting him for the holidays he had this stripper girl that was texting him and to say the least I was upset. He pretty much told her to fuck off which made me feel better but I know this chick she is a low down dirty gold digging skank. Then he tells me that him and his friend Chris is going to the same club that this girl works at!! I am hurt beyond believe and worse yet he doesn't want to be on the phone because its rude around his company. I really don't know what to say or do!!! I want to be the better person but does he know I am sitting here crying my eyes out?? I can just imagine the next few weeks I will be single and hating myself for giving him a second and third chance. I doubt he would change his mind I am just sitting here telling myself I told you so and your an idiot for even trying to love someone. Well I was hoping not to be really depressed but looks like that is just a pipe dream. Good night hope everyone has a great Friday night!!

Mon thru Thursday

So Monday I left Louisiana to start my new life in Florida. I am still mixed about it the longer I am here the more I love it. I still miss La so much it is crazy, I love it here I do, but there is so much I miss from Louisiana. Maybe it is not that maybe it is someone, Adam, he drives me crazy at times I want to slap him and at the same time I want to be wrapped in his arms. I hate that, one I don't know if I could EVER fully trust him, two I don't want this and three I want this. Let's just say saying goodbye was hard, we are talking about me moving back but right now it is on the back burner. Tuesday I slept most of the day because we got in at 6 am that morning. Mary and I were able to unpack most of the kitchen before we were just exhausted and ready for bed. On Wednesday we finally made it out of the house, got lunch at Asian Bistro and oh my it was delicious I had a spicy duck dish and it was amazing!!! Definatly going to eat there again!! The great news was that my job transfer went thru although I am waiting to see when I start they have increased my hours to 32 instead of 20 whoo!!! I also got my bedroom unpacked was able to go over and see my brother, Scottie and his family which always puts me in a good mood :) Went to bed really late last night because I was skyping with Adam. Now for today I slept in late probably b/c I am depressed I want to be in a better mood but the living room is a miss and Mary's stupid husband Simon does nothing all day and I have successfully cleaned the kitchen dining room and foyer. My guess is tomorrow he really is not going to like it when I clean the living room. I figure the playstation and all his white trash looking shit can be put in their room. I am so tired of looking at it!!! This is starting to get into a whole nother rant so I will get off that subject. Anyways yesterday Chris called me (second ex husband, lil bit's dad) he wants lil bit for Christmas I gave in because at least I know she will have a Christmas. Right now I am SLOWLY getting back on my feet and  I know I can't afford to give her the Christmas she deserves. Sometimes I have to sit back and think which is better for her, what hurts is to say I am not it. That is weighing heavy on my mind, then today John (first husband, Thaddeus and Alexandria's dad)  text me and said we needed to "talk about Thaddeus" now he did the same thing last time. In other words he can't handle him and he wants me to take him back, don't get me wrong I love my son and want nothing more then him to be here with me!! BUT I also know how much he wants his Dad to love and accept him and I know first hand how much it kills him when his Dad acts likes this. So my heart is beyond hurting right now and I know everyone is trying to be nice but personally I wish they would all leave me alone.  Adam is getting on my nerves because I don't want him to sit here and apologize I want him just to LISTEN to what is bothering me STOP SAYING I AM SORRY. Gosh just makes me feel terrible and to top off this day I don't want to feel any worse. I feel like I have let my kids down at every turn I can't give them a material Christmas and I feel awful about that I just want them to have a good Christmas!! I know it isn't about the gifts but damn could one Christmas go right??? and then to top it off he still hasn't called me about what he needed to talk about UGH!!! Ex's are EX's for a reason!!! Well that pretty much sums up this week I am going to drink another glass of wine and try and relax. Hope everyone has a great night and a wonderful weekend!!

Really Pissed Off

So for the last month I have had my phone shut off 7 times yes I said SEVEN TIMES!!! I know that time I have fallen on some finacially difficult times but I have called and made arrangements and KEPT my arrangement. Now that I am on the phone with them they are telling me that the lady I spoke to on Monday did not notate the arrangement UGH. You know sometimes I just want to scream at them and say IF I HADN'T KEPT MY END OF THE AGREEMENT ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOSE!! Then they have the nerve to tell me "oh by the way we will waive the $35 reconnect few" you think?? No shit sherlock you messed up not me I don't know why I even bother griping. UGH