Dreams

I sit here at 2 am and wonder if sleep will ever find me my mind doesn't seem to want to shut off tonight. I have been watching Christmas movies you know the kid with out a parent wishes for one the heart string pulling one. I know why I can't sleep OK to be honest it isn't a problem with my mind shutting off its the dreams. If I could just stop dreaming it would finally be peaceful. It wouldn't be considered night mares because they actually happened, it wouldn't even be considered scary but painful heart wrenching yes. When I was two my parents decided to leave my three siblings and I on the side of the road, a lot of people have told me there is no way I could remember that but I do. There is a lot of my child hood that I have blocked out but as I get older and I deal with my own children I remember some of the more painful things especially in my dreams. I wake up remembering the pain and hurt I felt as a little girl and to be honest the pain is the same. I know lately I have been depressed and I feel bad because I can't talk about it, nor do I want to. When I was seven I sat on Santa's lap and told him all I wanted for Christmas was a Mom and Dad (Mr. Thane always did Santa) I can remember him telling me that just because my grandparents were not the traditional Mom and Dad it did not mean they were not just as good as my Mom and Dad. I have a thousand memories like this sometimes the dreams remind me of them and sometimes its life itself. I have been thinking lately I made a promise to my son before he was born that I would always be there for him and I would give my all to him. Looking back over the last eleven years I haven't been the greatest of Moms, I have been selfish and thought of myself before my children. I have been impatient and honary I have not shown them what unconditional love of a mother is. I lay awake at two am with all of this on my mind and praying that for once I don't have nightmares that for once I have a good dream one where my kids and me are happy. Where they are home with me where they belong where I can try and make up for my past mistakes and show them that I have changed I am a better person. Well I hope everyone has a great night/day God bless.