I just don't know anymore

Spent the better part of the last 24 hours driving from Tampa, Fl to Louisiana, the main reason I came out here was for my son so I could get custody of him, I did have a secondary reason. To be with Adam, I arrived about 10 am and Adam was at work, I took a bath and went to bed. At lunch time he came home and surprised me I was so happy to see him. After talking to him for a few minutes I had discovered he lied to me, not an omission that never happened but a look me in the face bold lie. I am sitting here hurt tired and confused. How can a man that claims he loves someone like no other look that person in the eye and lie to them? I keep feeling like some how I deserve this, I know that I have done stuff in my past that I deserve to be treated like shit for. There will be people who will read this who will say no that's not right but I know the truth, I know my past, I know my mistakes. I paused while writing this, I started on Wednesday, now on Sunday  I have made the decision to stay and work this out, to me its worth fighting for, at least I know that I am keeping my promise, I will fight to keep what I love. As for anyone out there thinking I am an idiot, you are probably right, but I am going to try and work past my own trust issues. If it ends up bad then I have no one to blame but myself.

Dreams

I sit here at 2 am and wonder if sleep will ever find me my mind doesn't seem to want to shut off tonight. I have been watching Christmas movies you know the kid with out a parent wishes for one the heart string pulling one. I know why I can't sleep OK to be honest it isn't a problem with my mind shutting off its the dreams. If I could just stop dreaming it would finally be peaceful. It wouldn't be considered night mares because they actually happened, it wouldn't even be considered scary but painful heart wrenching yes. When I was two my parents decided to leave my three siblings and I on the side of the road, a lot of people have told me there is no way I could remember that but I do. There is a lot of my child hood that I have blocked out but as I get older and I deal with my own children I remember some of the more painful things especially in my dreams. I wake up remembering the pain and hurt I felt as a little girl and to be honest the pain is the same. I know lately I have been depressed and I feel bad because I can't talk about it, nor do I want to. When I was seven I sat on Santa's lap and told him all I wanted for Christmas was a Mom and Dad (Mr. Thane always did Santa) I can remember him telling me that just because my grandparents were not the traditional Mom and Dad it did not mean they were not just as good as my Mom and Dad. I have a thousand memories like this sometimes the dreams remind me of them and sometimes its life itself. I have been thinking lately I made a promise to my son before he was born that I would always be there for him and I would give my all to him. Looking back over the last eleven years I haven't been the greatest of Moms, I have been selfish and thought of myself before my children. I have been impatient and honary I have not shown them what unconditional love of a mother is. I lay awake at two am with all of this on my mind and praying that for once I don't have nightmares that for once I have a good dream one where my kids and me are happy. Where they are home with me where they belong where I can try and make up for my past mistakes and show them that I have changed I am a better person. Well I hope everyone has a great night/day God bless.

here is the catch up

Ok so i got busy the last month and didn't really blog but I am going to recap.  since my last real blog was in august i have a lot to go over lol Well in September we went to New Orleans Mary me and her gf Andrea, (whom personally i think she can do better but w/e i support her) Anyways we had a blast we went to bourbon street and drank my ass off uk the usual and actually went out of my way to meet some cool people lol and yes i did show my tits, i mean hello it was bourbon street!! Ok we saw some pretty cool stuff like the WWII museum, which by the way if you have never been i would definitely say GO it was amazing, one of the best museums that i have been too!! My sincerest heartfelt compassion goes into this museum, it was breath taking awe inspiring, to remember what we have came from, not only as a country but as a human race!! We stayed at a b&b called St. Vincent house and it was amazing the employees there really made the trip fun they were witty and informative. All and all it was a great trip!!

Spoke with my Attorney

Well we had our meeting, it didn't go as I hoped but still making progress. They offered a settlement of 10k which even the adjuster told my attorney was low. He is going to counter with 15 to 16K hopefully have an agreement today or tomorrow. Which hopefully means I get paid before Christmas and I can get on a flight to surprise him!! Well regardless it is God's will not my own and everything happens for a reason even if I don't know what that reason is!! I just want to get home or at least have a date to get home!! I will try and write more later on but for now it's goodnight and God bless :)

Phone call this morning :)

So I am super excited, nervous and scared!! I  returned the phone call to my attorney, he is setting up a settelment meeting today at 330 cst and I am so nervous!! I am hoping to give Adam a special Christmas gift of me being there :) I will keep you all informed I am just super excited!!

never knew things were this bad

It is said that the smartest thing Satan ever did was convince the world he didn't exist. I feel that way now like I don't know how to get back to God. I feel so lost and alone. Seven years ago I was a Sunday school teacher I knew I was working for God, I felt him in every area of my life. Now I feel him almost no where and as hard as I try I feel like I am messing up at every turn I don't want to be like this!!! I want to be the perfectly happy person I once was. My son Thaddeus stays with his Dad, just called me and wants to live with me, with some very unusual requirements. One I can only go out once a month, two I have to help him with his homework, three I have to put him first, and four we have to go to church at least once a week. When did my elven year old become a better person then me? Am I not the one who is supposed to show him wrong from right? Am I not the one supposed to be a good example for him? I feel like a complete failure, not only as a parent but as a person. I hope my kids can look back on the last three years and forgive me. People will look at this and say you have done the best you can. In all honesty I haven't, I have been a horrible mom, and it took him telling me this for me to realize. I can't go on treating my kids like this, I have to be a better Mom, he made me promise and I want to be able to live up to his hopes of me. So I pack up move back home I give my son the Mom he deserves because it sure as hell hasn't been the Mom he has had!! Anyone who reads this I am asking that you pray for me, His father and step-mother, his siblings, but above all pray for Thaddeus. he will be an amazing man no thanks to any of us, he has the conviction and bravery of any adult I have ever met. I am proud to be his Mother I hope that one day he will look at me and say I am proud to be her son. The bible says that ".....her children will raise up and call her blessed" (not sure where) that hasn't been me I am going to make a change starting today this moment to be the very best mom I can be. I may not be perfect but I will give it one hundred and ten percent to be as perfect as I can be. If that means losing some people along the way or stepping into unknown ground the so be it. I hope that everyone has a blessed day. 

Saturday Dec 8th 2012

Well I woke up around noon, earlier then the last few days. I received a voice mail yesterday from my attorney. I am excited that my long law suit will soon be over. Normally I would not even suggest law suit but I was involved in a really bad wreck, one that injured my back legs hips arms and feels like every important thing on my body and the insurance company didn't want to give me anything. I felt that was their job was to give me money for my injuries, I mean why else would we be required to have insurance on our car? Now am I saying that I don't have medical, no. I am lucky enough to have medical insurance as well as a really good support system. But there are days when I can't get out of bed because my hips and back and legs hurt to bad. There are days where I cry because I cant so much as move with out the pain getting to me. On my good days I can do just about anything a healthy person can do. Do I want a million dollars no, I want to be reimbursed for my pain and suffering, for the fact there are days that I can't pick up my daughter or play with my son. Anyways I am not going into to much detail about it. Back to what I was blogging about today I have to wait until Monday to see any results either way. So I woke up to two messages from Adam telling me to wake up lol and as soon as I text him back he skyped me. We have been on skype ever since! I miss him so much right now I am watching him sleep, I know that sounds creepy but that is what we do every night we go to sleep to each other. Most of the time we wake up to each other too. Which helps with the missing him, but it is not the same. I can't wait to be in his arms again, for good next time. Which leads me to my next topic. When I get the settlement from the accident I am going to use it to move back to La and to go to school. I am going to get my son and daughter back and we are getting his son as well. I know there will be a lot of aggravation and a lot of love. I think the closer I get to God the closer I get to peace. Which will help me a lot going to school working full time and raising four kids I might be blogging a lot more lol who knows. What I do know is that I finally found someone that I would fight all of hell to hold his hand. Yes I might get frustrated with him, yes I might get upset with him, yes I might be completely angry with him at times, but I will learn patience and kindness I will learn what it is to truly love someone. He has flaws he is not perfect, but it is time I start taking my own advice. Can I live with his flaws? Does he posses flaws that are not acceptable? I would have to answer with no he doesn't and yes I can live with the flaws he posses. I sit here 834 miles away from him and look at him and am filled with love. I ask God to bring me a man that I could love for the rest of my life, one that I can give my all to. I went thru a lot of men, I know that sounds bad but it is true. I dated a lot of different men, they all had one bad trait, breathing. lol just kidding. With every guy I dated that didn't work out they showed me what I wanted in a man. Adam posses most of those traits that I want in a man, is he perfect no but am I looking for perfection, no. That is impossible to find I want someone who sees me for all my imperfections and loves me anyway, and trust when I say he does!!! Well I am going to wrap this up for the night. Best of luck to all, good night and here is to having an amazing day tomorrow  :) 

Today

I woke up around 10 with a phone call from my son's grandma.  That was interesting seeing how all I heard about was how my son was not behaving for his dad. Not that it was all bad just wish his dad would see him for the amazing kid that I see him to be. Went back to sleep woke up around four with a headache from hell. Haven't really done anything, I took lil bit to the park but she wanted to go the pool so we came back and I skyped with Adam. Looking back I should have just went back to sleep would have been better then what is running thru my head now. While I was visiting him for the holidays he had this stripper girl that was texting him and to say the least I was upset. He pretty much told her to fuck off which made me feel better but I know this chick she is a low down dirty gold digging skank. Then he tells me that him and his friend Chris is going to the same club that this girl works at!! I am hurt beyond believe and worse yet he doesn't want to be on the phone because its rude around his company. I really don't know what to say or do!!! I want to be the better person but does he know I am sitting here crying my eyes out?? I can just imagine the next few weeks I will be single and hating myself for giving him a second and third chance. I doubt he would change his mind I am just sitting here telling myself I told you so and your an idiot for even trying to love someone. Well I was hoping not to be really depressed but looks like that is just a pipe dream. Good night hope everyone has a great Friday night!!

Mon thru Thursday

So Monday I left Louisiana to start my new life in Florida. I am still mixed about it the longer I am here the more I love it. I still miss La so much it is crazy, I love it here I do, but there is so much I miss from Louisiana. Maybe it is not that maybe it is someone, Adam, he drives me crazy at times I want to slap him and at the same time I want to be wrapped in his arms. I hate that, one I don't know if I could EVER fully trust him, two I don't want this and three I want this. Let's just say saying goodbye was hard, we are talking about me moving back but right now it is on the back burner. Tuesday I slept most of the day because we got in at 6 am that morning. Mary and I were able to unpack most of the kitchen before we were just exhausted and ready for bed. On Wednesday we finally made it out of the house, got lunch at Asian Bistro and oh my it was delicious I had a spicy duck dish and it was amazing!!! Definatly going to eat there again!! The great news was that my job transfer went thru although I am waiting to see when I start they have increased my hours to 32 instead of 20 whoo!!! I also got my bedroom unpacked was able to go over and see my brother, Scottie and his family which always puts me in a good mood :) Went to bed really late last night because I was skyping with Adam. Now for today I slept in late probably b/c I am depressed I want to be in a better mood but the living room is a miss and Mary's stupid husband Simon does nothing all day and I have successfully cleaned the kitchen dining room and foyer. My guess is tomorrow he really is not going to like it when I clean the living room. I figure the playstation and all his white trash looking shit can be put in their room. I am so tired of looking at it!!! This is starting to get into a whole nother rant so I will get off that subject. Anyways yesterday Chris called me (second ex husband, lil bit's dad) he wants lil bit for Christmas I gave in because at least I know she will have a Christmas. Right now I am SLOWLY getting back on my feet and  I know I can't afford to give her the Christmas she deserves. Sometimes I have to sit back and think which is better for her, what hurts is to say I am not it. That is weighing heavy on my mind, then today John (first husband, Thaddeus and Alexandria's dad)  text me and said we needed to "talk about Thaddeus" now he did the same thing last time. In other words he can't handle him and he wants me to take him back, don't get me wrong I love my son and want nothing more then him to be here with me!! BUT I also know how much he wants his Dad to love and accept him and I know first hand how much it kills him when his Dad acts likes this. So my heart is beyond hurting right now and I know everyone is trying to be nice but personally I wish they would all leave me alone.  Adam is getting on my nerves because I don't want him to sit here and apologize I want him just to LISTEN to what is bothering me STOP SAYING I AM SORRY. Gosh just makes me feel terrible and to top off this day I don't want to feel any worse. I feel like I have let my kids down at every turn I can't give them a material Christmas and I feel awful about that I just want them to have a good Christmas!! I know it isn't about the gifts but damn could one Christmas go right??? and then to top it off he still hasn't called me about what he needed to talk about UGH!!! Ex's are EX's for a reason!!! Well that pretty much sums up this week I am going to drink another glass of wine and try and relax. Hope everyone has a great night and a wonderful weekend!!

Really Pissed Off

So for the last month I have had my phone shut off 7 times yes I said SEVEN TIMES!!! I know that time I have fallen on some finacially difficult times but I have called and made arrangements and KEPT my arrangement. Now that I am on the phone with them they are telling me that the lady I spoke to on Monday did not notate the arrangement UGH. You know sometimes I just want to scream at them and say IF I HADN'T KEPT MY END OF THE AGREEMENT ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOSE!! Then they have the nerve to tell me "oh by the way we will waive the $35 reconnect few" you think?? No shit sherlock you messed up not me I don't know why I even bother griping. UGH

Sorry

I just want to say sorry I haven't written anything n awhile been pretty busy between Lil bit mary boys n moving been pretty busy I'm hoping to b able to sit down n type more out later ESP want to tell y'all about our mini vacation to new orleans :)

The single life.....

ok so here is the deal I wear my heart on my sleeve unfortunatley that doesn't work out so great for me, and i am left holding it's pieces in my hand. I know this about myself and I try not to get caught up on anyone but fuck that is hard because i want to help them i want to fix them. and yes i know how stupid that sounds but here lately i think its because i want someone to come in and fix me, I want them to come in and realize i have been hurt, i have scars and wounds and i want them to help me heal them. I know it sounds stupid but i crave a relationship and i am not good at the single thing i put on a brave face but in actuality i want to scream "WHERE IS HE ALREADY?" and each time gets worse i feel the wall building higher and stronger and i don't know if anyone is going to be able to break it.................Esp my trust issues God help the man that tries lol after the cheaters, liars, and fake guys if a real man stepped up i probably would knock him down and normally i would throw an lol in there but i just realized there is nothing funny about it. Maybe one day i will be ready for it but today I need to be single to step back n say I did it on my own and no one can take that from me :)

fed up

Three years ago I married my husband, Chris, and I promised him for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health. I kept my promise, He slapped me while I was pregnant with our daughter (worse) we had a beautiful child together (better) I worked 80 hours to provide everything we wanted, compared to his normal monday thru friday schedule 5-630 and 9-430, (richer) I quit my job and stayed at home b/c it was to much for him (poorer) I took him chicken soup and pills and when my daughter took his sleeping pills, I rushed her to the ER because he didn't wanna get off the couch,(sickness) and I would take care of our child while he played video games all day (health). I put up with this all because I thought I loved him I thought that is what i was supposed to do. He had to go for on the job training, for four months and while he was there i found out he hated cheated on me several times, I was devastated I knew I could never forgive him it would always be in the back of my mind. As he had orders to go to korea, we decided to seperate and end our marriage. While he was in Korea I moved on with my life (see blog about the last year), I feel in my heart that we are no longer together. I found out he had slept with 13 women in the short time we were together including one of my best friends wives. On labor day i agreed that our daughter could stay with his parents for a month to visit, after a week they stopped answering my phone calls and emails. I drove the 1500 miles to pick up my daughter and they took off with her. After a week of hoping and praying the police officer called me and told me that i could pick up my daughter, one of the happiest days of my life!!! After a year of being called names messing with me in ways I can only describe as cruel and unusual, he is back stateside, me wanting to put the past behind me agreed to a civil divorce. This morning he text me at 410 am telling me "oh yeah, u try to screw me over in anyway, i will let the court system know that we are not seperated, Including the fact that the army is putting me in KY. and all the other dirt I have on you" WTH?? let me get this straight I offer to pick u up from the airport (an hour away) let you stay at my house (for a week) use my car (while he is here) and eat my food, and you text me this bullshit??? I am done being nice to him, I am hiring an attorney and I am going after child support and alimony I mean how fucked up in the head do you have to be to be this mean and spitful to someone who is offering their home to you? Ugh men!!!

our wedding day 2009
 

about a year into our marriage
 

My day was..............screw it you decide

I woke up this morning to TWO screaming kids, when only one belongs to me. The one that doesn't I love to death but she has been at my house since Thursday, and her mother keeps making excuses on why she needs a sitter, so my morning was ruined. Although my roommate, Simon (my best friend Mary's husband) volunteered to watch her actually got up with her. I took my little one in the bed with me put on my little pony and went back to sleep woke up with her laughing at me and telling me i was funny ( I love her laugh).  We laid in bed until she fell asleep for her nap. I got up begin my blogs I wrote earlier, wondered where my friend was, found her asleep on my couch with her child asleep on the floor, pet peeve number one. Her child wakes up and starts screaming i lay her on the couch cover her up and she some what calms down, at this point I go back to my writing. Put my headphones on because hello her mom is RIGHT there and continue my business. As i watch in dismay that her child is literally screaming in her ear, she moves to the other side of the couch, um hello that is your child. She is oblivious that i am watching all this occur. Once she realize I am awake she gets up calms her child, who goes back to sleep, and ask to borrow my car. What the hell??? Because I am a nice person and her child is asleep I agree she is gone for three hours needless to say her child woke up and started crying, i calm her down. My little one wakes up and we begin our usual conversation goes like this "well hello there sleepy head" (incoherant babble with an occasional scream for mommy) "whats wrong?" (more screaming) "ok lets see what is wrong" this goes on for about ten minutes the disapates into a sippy or show she wants to watch. made fried cornbread for lunch got ready went to work. Ok for those that don't know I work at a grocery store, there is a hurricane coming towards us quickly approaching, my store happens to be the only one who still has water (mainly because we are closed on Mondays) so needless to say work was busy but on a good note I am working damn near 40 hours this week yay me!!! seeing how i am sure my manager hates me and would NEVER give me more then 20 hours i am alloted lol. literally 5 minutes before i go home my manager catches me looking at my phone (this is a security violation) She informs me that i will recieve a write up for this, ok not like that has never happened before. But this woman brings me my write up on the floor in front of customers.Um no, have some decency then proceeds to get upset because i won't sign it i informed her i will sign it in the cash office where matters like this are supposed to be held. UGH that shit drives me bat shit crazy!! What i really wanted to tell her was she could take that right up and shove it up her ass seeing how she is ALWAYS on her phone and it is NEVER work related. Me being nice and liking my job just sign the fucking thing when i got back to the cash cage. Now I am so ready to be home stop at the local convient store pick me up a six pack of baby budlight and drive home. When i get home my roommate informs me that a Sherrifs officer stopped by looking for me because my soon to be ex husband could not reach me. Well he can't reach me because I am ignoring him, because the last 20 times he has called he has not so much as asked about our daughter just about the stupid cell phone i was supposed to send him. Now i am sitting in front of this computer writing to you guys drinking my bud light eating my taco bell and thinking life is good :) and Marc just made my day even better with his sweet text message.......................

The begining

So its probably best to go over my past, so that everyone knows where i am coming from lol

My Name is Sarah was born in California middle of 1982, when I was just a baby my father went to jail for manslaughter, my mother diligently kept up with the four of us her drug habit and her fondness for my brother and sister. After my father got out of a 1.5 stint in the California prison. He decided to move back home, well between his and my mothers drug habits and them taking such amazing care of us, my grandparents decided that they were not the best of parental figures. Shortly after that my father found out about my mothers fondness for my brother and sister, in his drug induced state he loaded us all up in the car and took off. Not saying anything to anyone drove us four states away, I can remember it was drizzly outside, not quite raining yet but still cloudy and wet. I remember my father turning around and saying something to my oldest brother, Joey (age 4 at the time), being two i have no clue as to what he is saying, I remember looking out the windshield watching them walk away. I remember having to use the bathroom (i don't know why at 2 i was potty trained) Joey walking me out of the van down a green hill and there was a bridge. I remember that we were left with a jar of syrup a bag of apples and a hershey's candy bar. I remember I somehow took the jar of syrup and dumped it all over the van and Joey grabbed the belt and told me "Daddy left me in charge and I am gonna spank you" I don't remember if he did or not, but I do remember I slept in syrup that night. I remember this guy coming to the van, i thought he was a taxi driver because that is what he looked like to me. Later I found out he was a police officer, I remember going to this big building and a nice blonde lady helping me shower and putting clothes on me. Looking back I am sure i was a hot mess syrup apples candy bar same clothes for two or three days, I am sure we smelled and looked horrible lol. After our showers and new clothes we were split up, My bothers Joey and Greg went to one location, my sister Jatie and me went to another, I can remember being scared for my life, I can remember the swing set we got for Christmas or our birthday I can remember going square dancing. I can remember being slapped across the face I can remember being threatened I can remember the feel of my Grandpa's arms around me, the way my grandma smelled when they came to visit. We were there for a year, my grandparents went thru hell to adopt us finalizing it when i was four years old. Growing up with my grandparents raising us was a unique experience, one i wouldn't trade for the world. 

Courtney

 

 

How to describe Courtney, young, immature, pretty, and what I thought was a good person. I met Courtney July 4, 2011 I had went to a mud fest with some friends and my boyfriend (on again off again) Ryan. She was knew a mutual friend Will who told me she was a good girl 17 out on her own, him and his wife had taken her in because she had some problems with her sister who was stationed here. Courtney being from California a long ways away and only knowing her sisters friends I felt sad for her. I have been in that position and it truly sucks. So i befriended her we had hung out a few times, when she calls me asking if she can stay with me because her and will's wife got into an argument and she was no longer welcome there. I told her sure she could come stay with me, if she helped me with the kids or got a job. Shortly after she moved in she went back home to visit for about a month. In October she returned but instead of staying with me she chose to stay with a girl who slept with my husband and was the main cause of our divorce. I was hurt by this but decided to just go with it. About a week after she returned she asked if she could stay with me, of course you can. She moved back in and introduced me to a few of her friends, Ashley, Amanda and Jessica. Over the course of the holidays (Christmas and New Years) my boyfriend, Ryan had went to visit his family in Georgia. Courtney, Dylan, Buck, Mary (my best friend/sister) and myself took a trip to New Orleans, had a blast one of the best trips I have had mainly because my girlfriends were with me. After returning home, Courtney met a guy, Kevin, who was by all means sweet charming nice guy. after she dated him for about a month she found out he was with another women. I know this devastated her she didn't know which way to turn, she took the wrong path. Towards the end of Janurary I suspected that Ryan and her had something going on, one night over at my brother Scott's house it was confirmed. The pain I felt can not be described there was a whole in my chest where my heart used to be there was a pain in my back where the knife landed. I was so hurt and angry I ended it with Ryan and told Courtney she needed to find other living arrangements. After we broke up Ryan actively pursued her, I am not sure which hurt worse a man that said he loved me said he would never hurt me betraying me or the girl i called one of my best friends going after the man i loved. Courtney and mines last conversation I will never forget it hurt so bad, even after everything she did to me I wanted to repair our friendship, her last text to me was (summarized) "I can't be friends with you anymore because you are not a good person I hope you have a great life" Ain't that a kick in the ass she betrays me she uses me she hurts me and she "can't be friends" call me crazy but I was ok with that. Several months have went by the pain has dulled but it is still there every now and then it breaks me down. Especially lately, Courtney left for basic training (army) a few months back she (i don't know the whole story) injured herself and is back here until the injuries heal. I don't know if she is doing it on purpose but it feels she is, I work as a cashier my hours vary my schedule constantly changes from week to week. Last week Courtney and Ashley came into my job, around 530 went to the register behind me (felt like it was to make sure i saw them) then the next day they show up with Ryan, ok I know its been a while but it still hurts, to top it off they walked by my register four or five times. If that wasn't bad enough they send Ryan over to ask where something is located in the store. I know I should be over this but to be perfectly honest i am not I often suspect my friends of double crossing me or betrying me in some way not to mention the boyfriends/special friends who can't deal with my trust issues. I wish I could go back in time and never meet either one of them I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, the sad thing is I still want everything to be ok between us to be back to happy and I know i can't ever get back there with them, I do wish them well in their lives and wish nothing but the best for them. (apparently there is issues with uploading pics today so I will post more pics later)

 

 

 

Courtney and I trip to New Orleans

Eating in New Orleans

Courtney coming home from New Orleans

 

Marc

How can I describe Marc? Crazy, funny, handsome, and above all else such a gentleman!! I met Marc back in April, he was playing on a pool team that my team played against and he was so cute!! All I could think was this dude has got to be married have a girlfriend or something so I wrote him off, couple months go by we run into each other at a local bar extensive amount of trash talk follows, again i assume he is married or in a relationship, and i again wrote him off. The following Tuesday we are paired up against each other we end up coming to a sudden death in the last game he won..............little secret I let him :) now flash forward to two weeks ago I am at a local bar with some friends and low and behold there is Marc and my friend is trying to introduce me to him as her "single" friend, Marc. I just laugh and walk away, he sees me and drops to his knees trying to propose to me. Had to be the best pick up line EVER lol. After I told him no to marriage he asked about a date I happen to glance down n see a ring he smiled n said wrong handy darling..........duely noted lol i denied him a date but he did talk me out of my phone number, few days later i agreed to a date. Just so happens that Tuesday night he had staff duty, he paid a guy to take over for him for an hour n a half. He showed up at my house not wanting to come in because my two year old was home and he was unsure if he could meet her or not. He waited by my side of the truck held open my door and then  we agreed to go to a local Japanese steakhouse. After he parks he runs around the truck and opens my door , I ask him why he is running he said because i knew you wouldn't let me i laughed so hard because it is so true lol. He held doors for me tried to pull out my chair (me being unaccustomed had my chair pulled out already lol) At dinner we had an amazing discussion, we started joking about what he would say to embarrass me and ended up realizing I am a most excellent shit talker lol. At the end of the date he walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight, a very nice goodnight/first kiss. The next night he takes me to subway and the lake to look at the stars as usual a complete gentleman. He and I have had different schedules up until tonight where he took me out to dinner and had a great time, he is one of the nicest guys I have ever met!! I know this sounds cliche but I really click with him, althought i must admit i have felt similar before and been wrong but tonight I know where my decision lies, with him, i hope it is for the best :)

he had to match my dress lol

I think we make a cute couple lol

catch up on my life

I guess I should start from the beginning of this year give you a recap of the craziness that is my life. The beginning of this year I had a great boyfriend, good friends, and a pretty good life. One of my friends courtney, stayed with me being a little down on her luck, and not having anywhere to go or a job, I being a good friend said sure you can stay with me. The first week of February over at my brother, Scott's house, I found out she had been trying to sleep with my boyfriend, I wasn't the nicest person to either one of them. I told her to get out of my house and take his sorry ass with her. In late March, I started dating Dan he was one of those i don't want to meet any of your friends, family or anyone you know but I want you in my bed. Me being desperate and starved for attention agreed to these terms, we split up after a spur of the moment trip to New Orleans, la, and I found out his fiance was two hours from where we lived, ya great guy.  Then there was Will, lack of better term an old friend that just wanted a piece of ass, then there was Mike, I dated him for a little over a month, he was an absolute and complete D-bag. He often talked of "late abortions" when it came to my kids, often didn't give two shits about anyone including himself. He often told my son that if he was his son he would be missing several teeth. My final straw with him was my son and my friend Ty was pillow fighting in the living room and Ty knocked my son off balance he fell spilling Mikes tea on mike he yelled at my child like my son had spilled acid on him. Then there was Matt, whom at first seemed to be a nice guy. Um highly intelligent, but defiantly had a narcissistic problem, he thought he was the shit. The funny thing is I liked him b/c he was smart, but after dating him for awhile he was really stupid to be so smart. I went to his house after a weekend of him "working" ya there was another females stuff there I got the hint and moved on. Several guys have tried to date me, but I am relocating in two months so I haven't seen the point. I have met some really great people and in this blog I plan on telling you about the day to day life of me, I am an amazing girl trapped in a confused mind. 

January 2012

Courtney and me Jan 2012

May 2012

June 2012

July 2012